Assignment: After reading through Sister Beck and Brother Hafen's talks about marriage and family, discuss what impressed you, made sense, or that you still need more understanding about.
ETERNAL MARRIAGE student manual
Julie B Beck
HOW WE LOST THE PLOT
Bruce C Hafen
Elder Bruce C Hafen discusses “what people accept [and expect] and what they wish for.” He states, “The cultural changes of the last generation have . . . created a widespread pessimism about binding commitments. . . . and that very pessimism is one of the biggest obstacles to fulfilling the dream [of eternal family love].”
I am not sure this is all of the problem. Sister Beck states our youth “aren’t sure they can be successful in keeping covenants” and discusses youth having “insufficient and undeveloped social skills, which are an impediment to them in forming eternal families.” Elder Hafen also says, “In earlier years, most people worked hard to reach high ideals, such as stable marriage, even when they didn’t achieve their hopes ‘except [later].’”
With no disrespect to anyone, I submit the root of a lack of commitment (that I witness) is a lack of the ability to know how to do that kind of hard work – to put in the time and effort to keep the commitments being made. In my family (and maybe in my generation) wishing for something and not doing anything purposeful to achieve that desire was called being lazy.
Please don’t lynch me until you hear me out.
Please don’t lynch me until you hear me out.
Although some of today’s youth lack goals and commitment to anything, many can work IF they want to – but what is their desire? Let me share an example. My young visiting teachers made an appointment to come visit. I missed out on an unexpected offer to go with a friend to lunch so I could be here for their visit. They didn’t show up. They never even called. I was here waiting, even long after the time they appointed. Later I found out why they missed. To me it seemed trivial – they would have had to have made additional effort to keep their commitment to me. My daughter tells me not to expect people to really keep appointments like that and to just go with my friend if I have something come up. I was astonished. I had a commitment; so did they. I told her I had no way to let them know I would be unavailable, so I hadn’t gone. I expected to honor my commitment to them and expected them to honor their commitment to me. She thought I was silly and told me that they would have known I had something “come up.”
To me, if I say I will do something or be somewhere I can be counted on to do it or to be there (unless very extenuating circumstances occur). I am committed. I don’t do something else on a whim merely to satisfy my personal preferences; when I have made a promise I don’t break it. Am I old fashioned or am I missing something else? I expect others to keep their commitments. I felt so sad. I did not get to visit with my VT or go to lunch! Was it just a silly little thing, or a symptom of something much bigger?
It seems that many who fail to form eternal attachments, do not marry, or who readily divorce take the path of least resistance by failing to seriously and diligently put much effort into those relationships. It seems to begin long before marriage as young teens start habits to avoid making commitments. I have taught Sunday School to age 14-16 for several years (and one year regularly had the youth age 16-18 as well, whenever their teacher was absent). Usually if youth make commitments they at least try to keep them, but I sense a great hesitancy overall to make commitments.
It seems that many who fail to form eternal attachments, do not marry, or who readily divorce take the path of least resistance by failing to seriously and diligently put much effort into those relationships. It seems to begin long before marriage as young teens start habits to avoid making commitments. I have taught Sunday School to age 14-16 for several years (and one year regularly had the youth age 16-18 as well, whenever their teacher was absent). Usually if youth make commitments they at least try to keep them, but I sense a great hesitancy overall to make commitments.
Are the youth of the church avoiding commitments?
I think there is something deeper happening than just the pessimism and fears our reading describes. What do you think?
ADDITIONAL IDEAS AND COMMENTS:
"Elder Hafen shares that the divorce rate has risen and the how the requirements for divorce have changed so people can now divorce because the no longer like the person they are married too. He also shares that people seem to hope for a lasting marriage but the fear that the world has put towards it hinders a lot from actually going through with it. Sister Beck transitions well with her talk to seminary and institute directors pleading them to teach the importance of the family. The Church did research pertaining to the family and how the youth feel about their future families. It came back with results of worry and fear. Sister Beck went on to share how it is not enough for a child to know the prophets and scriptures but need to know how it applies to the family and its eternal importance.
"These addresses are very powerful and important for our time. I know that as a new father teaching my daughter and her future sibling about the family and its importance is crucial. It is not enough for our youth and children to learn and hear about it at church, but needs to be taught and observed at the home too."
I shared: This summer I took a class in child development. One of the things we studied was that children age 11-18 (and later for some) typically do not have a part of their brain completely formed - the part that recognizes and responds to emotions of others, and that also helps to regulate analytical decisions. This can make them seem focused on "self," yet they also are extremely perceptive and quick to act on, or notice many things that older people don't connect with. Often they make quick decisions based on emotion rather the longer process of working out and analyzing details (which by the way they are quite adept at when they actually do it).
I notice the youth I work with (age 14-16) can be keenly aware of self and others. In class, we also learned that when youth have warm and loving support that connects with them, and validates their competencies that they become confident, caring, responsible adults but that when their needs are not met they tend to remain self-centered. I wonder if that is what happens in fractured families; there isn't anyone to tell them what they are doing right, and they become confused about exactly what is right.
Other discussions centered on Elder Hafen's article and social changes that occurred in the 60s and 70s. One said, "It is so sad today to see how the family is being altered in society and is being pushed on everyone to accept these “alternate families” as being okay and the norm. My kids hear so much at their high school that we have often had to have discussion about “what is so wrong with lesbians/gays/transgender couples marrying and/or having children and raising them. It is being taught to them that they are being biased or un-Christian if they are not accepting of everything and everyone in however they are." Another felt that we shouldn't speak out about how anyone else lives their life.
Several students felt that children are better off in a loving same-gender family than in a dysfunctional or abusive circumstance.
I shared: This summer I took a child development class. In that class, as the articles in our reading also explain, long term studies consistently show that children are more healthy and happy, and optimum development is maximized when they are raised in nuclear families – a father and a mother with their children.
We have a friend that developed a problem with alcohol. He is a very tall and strong man. One night while drinking in a bar there was a fight and someone attacked someone else with a knife. Our friend held the attacker so that person couldn’t harm anyone (until police arrived) and thereby saved the other person's life because others could help the wounded person. He was quite proud of himself. Even though he saved a life, he should not have been in the bar drinking and associating with those that could take his life. He had a young family of 5 children when this happened. Just as our friend should not have been in that bar, children should not need to live in either of the situations you have described. Both are harmful.
The prophets tell us this in the proclamation clearly: “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” Unions of two persons of the same gender would not have biological children. The sad thing is that when children are part of such families they have already been subjected to the problems of fractured families, and single parent families. Worldwide, studies show that children’s mental and physical health suffers in such circumstances. (Documentation in reading material.)
When we marry we willingly covenant to become completely unified with another person. This, to me, is the meaning of Elder Hafen’s quote "Lovers must not . . . live for themselves alone. . . [They] are giving themselves away, and they are joined by this [their covenant with each other] as no law or contract could ever join them. Lovers, then, 'die' into their union with one another. [Emphasis mine.]” The covenant of a man and wife to be unified should preclude selfish interests and self-serving behaviors on both parts to an extent that the self-centered, distinct person I was before marriage no longer exists. Ideally I have “died” by becoming a new and better person that is part of my husband and he has part of me, as we become a family.
Several female class members vehemently opposed statements quoted from President Spencer W Kimball in a dicussion about having children. He said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1979, 6; or Ensign, May 1979, 6)." They felt they shouldn't be made to feel guilty about choices to not have children and that couples shouldn't have to have any kids if they didn't want them.
Several students felt that children are better off in a loving same-gender family than in a dysfunctional or abusive circumstance.
I shared: This summer I took a child development class. In that class, as the articles in our reading also explain, long term studies consistently show that children are more healthy and happy, and optimum development is maximized when they are raised in nuclear families – a father and a mother with their children.
We have a friend that developed a problem with alcohol. He is a very tall and strong man. One night while drinking in a bar there was a fight and someone attacked someone else with a knife. Our friend held the attacker so that person couldn’t harm anyone (until police arrived) and thereby saved the other person's life because others could help the wounded person. He was quite proud of himself. Even though he saved a life, he should not have been in the bar drinking and associating with those that could take his life. He had a young family of 5 children when this happened. Just as our friend should not have been in that bar, children should not need to live in either of the situations you have described. Both are harmful.
The prophets tell us this in the proclamation clearly: “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded on the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” Unions of two persons of the same gender would not have biological children. The sad thing is that when children are part of such families they have already been subjected to the problems of fractured families, and single parent families. Worldwide, studies show that children’s mental and physical health suffers in such circumstances. (Documentation in reading material.)
When we marry we willingly covenant to become completely unified with another person. This, to me, is the meaning of Elder Hafen’s quote "Lovers must not . . . live for themselves alone. . . [They] are giving themselves away, and they are joined by this [their covenant with each other] as no law or contract could ever join them. Lovers, then, 'die' into their union with one another. [Emphasis mine.]” The covenant of a man and wife to be unified should preclude selfish interests and self-serving behaviors on both parts to an extent that the self-centered, distinct person I was before marriage no longer exists. Ideally I have “died” by becoming a new and better person that is part of my husband and he has part of me, as we become a family.
Several female class members vehemently opposed statements quoted from President Spencer W Kimball in a dicussion about having children. He said, “It is an act of extreme selfishness for a married couple to refuse to have children when they are able to do so” (in Conference Report, Apr. 1979, 6; or Ensign, May 1979, 6)." They felt they shouldn't be made to feel guilty about choices to not have children and that couples shouldn't have to have any kids if they didn't want them.
I replied:
"Dear Sisters;
You are so right that planning and preparing is vital to bringing children into a family. You also speak truth in saying that children should be wanted, and loved, and that no one should be “compelled” to have children (or choose childbearing because of guilt or shame). Each person and each couple are unique and our loving Father in Heaven knows the needs, desires and abilities of each one. He gives us commandments and directions from prophets to increase our blessings and happiness, never to condemn us or diminish our joy. When prophets speak we need to carefully evaluate what blessings they are trying to explain we might obtain. If I refuse to be married for eternity in the temple it IS my choice. There are, however, blessings I can not obtain because I have refused them.
All commandments and instructions from God are to protect us and extend to us greater opportunities. There are many of God’s children that are still spirits, and do not yet have bodies. Can I possibly help any of them?
Each couple must answer that personal question, individually. Their choice should be between themselves, Heavenly Father, perhaps a spiritual adviser such as a Bishop, and (if needed) competent professionals such as doctors or counselors.
One day my friend’s 2 year-old wanted to drink something harmful. She would not let him. She offered him 2 other choices. He refused both. He is too young still to understand his mother wants him to be healthy and happy. She can invite him to enjoy good things, but he can choose to refuse them. When God, our loving Father, invites us through prophets to think or act in specific ways we need to carefully consider what good thing is being offered to us. What are we declining?"
"Dear Sisters;
You are so right that planning and preparing is vital to bringing children into a family. You also speak truth in saying that children should be wanted, and loved, and that no one should be “compelled” to have children (or choose childbearing because of guilt or shame). Each person and each couple are unique and our loving Father in Heaven knows the needs, desires and abilities of each one. He gives us commandments and directions from prophets to increase our blessings and happiness, never to condemn us or diminish our joy. When prophets speak we need to carefully evaluate what blessings they are trying to explain we might obtain. If I refuse to be married for eternity in the temple it IS my choice. There are, however, blessings I can not obtain because I have refused them.
All commandments and instructions from God are to protect us and extend to us greater opportunities. There are many of God’s children that are still spirits, and do not yet have bodies. Can I possibly help any of them?
Each couple must answer that personal question, individually. Their choice should be between themselves, Heavenly Father, perhaps a spiritual adviser such as a Bishop, and (if needed) competent professionals such as doctors or counselors.
One day my friend’s 2 year-old wanted to drink something harmful. She would not let him. She offered him 2 other choices. He refused both. He is too young still to understand his mother wants him to be healthy and happy. She can invite him to enjoy good things, but he can choose to refuse them. When God, our loving Father, invites us through prophets to think or act in specific ways we need to carefully consider what good thing is being offered to us. What are we declining?"
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