“We believe ….”
Basic beliefs of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, are outlined in 13 brief statements called “The Articles of Faith.” Twelve of the 13 statements begin, with these same two words: “We believe ….”
Basic beliefs of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, are outlined in 13 brief statements called “The Articles of Faith.” Twelve of the 13 statements begin, with these same two words: “We believe ….”
With this as context, an anecdote related by
Brent A. Barlow, an associate professor of Family Science at BYU, is most
amusing.
As a young missionary for the LDS Church, he and
his companion “met a Protestant minister who invited [them] in out of the cold.
After exchanging points of view on various topics, he asked [them], ‘And what
is the Mormon attitude towards sexuality?’”
The young unmarried Elder was speechless and sure his new
companion, also single, “knew next to nothing on the matter.” However, when the minister
inquired a second time, his companion “finally said, ‘Sir, we believe in
it.’” (Ensign, September 1986).
My husband and I
may laugh about this story for a long time.
We believe in it too!
STEWARDSHIPS OF
SEXUALITY
Sometimes people are embarrassed to openly discuss, or
learn about,
human sexuality.
human sexuality.
Research psychologist and author, Dr. Sean E.
Brotherson, describes this lack of literacy regarding sexuality in his 2003
Meridian Magazine article, “Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage.” He recounts, “President Hugh B. Brown,
who served as a counselor in the First Presidency, wrote the following about
sexual intimacy in his book You and Your
Marriage:
Thousands of young people come to the marriage altar almost illiterate
insofar as this basic and fundamental function is concerned. The sex instinct
is not something which we need to fear or be ashamed of. It is God-given and
has a high and holy purpose … We want our young people to know that sex is not
an unmentionable human misfortune, and certainly it should not be regarded as a
sordid but necessary part of marriage. There is no excuse for approaching this
most intimate relationship in life without true knowledge of its meaning and
its high purpose. (Bookcraft, 1960, pp. 73, 76).
Dr. Brotherson reports two significant parts of what
many people learn;
·
the ignorance
and hype of misguided and misinformed sensual images and expressions which
“distort” or “sensationalize sexual intimacy,”
·
and the inhibitions
imposed by “powerful and compelling warnings … seek[ing] to steer us away from
pornography, sexual exploitation, and immorality in sexual matters” (2003).
He also outlines a “seldom heard or discussed" third part,
the positive purposes of intimacy, as
the positive purposes of intimacy, as
- the dialogue about the sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife.”
As a young man, engaged to be married, answers for many of Brotherson’s own
questions were determined in part by talking with his mother and aunt. After
some private reading[i] about
intimacy in marriage he “asked
what that experience was really supposed to be like.
[His] mother laughed and said that sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. [He] still think[s] that's about the best answer [he has] ever heard on that question” (2003).
[His] mother laughed and said that sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love. [He] still think[s] that's about the best answer [he has] ever heard on that question” (2003).
ASK AND
ANSWER
My father taught that physical intimacy between a man and woman is sacred, not secret, and should always be a very personal demonstration of affection as each give of themselves in ways learned and shared only between them, within the permanence of marriage.
He taught that genuine intimacy involves every aspect of a person; the spiritual and emotional as well as the physical; the joining of two minds, and two hearts, not just two bodies.
Dr. Brotherson affirms this sacred unity by quoting the teachings of President Harold B. Lee, eleventh president of The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints (1972 -1973):
The divine impulse within every true man and woman that
impels companionship with the opposite sex is intended by our Maker as a holy
impulse for a holy purpose, not to be satisfied as a mere biological urge or as
a lust of the flesh in promiscuous associations, but to be reserved as an
expression of true love in holy wedlock. (Teachings of Presidents of the Church,
2000, p. 112; emphasis added)
Both husbands
and wives have physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual need associated
with this sacred act. They will be able to complement each other in the
marriage relationship if they give tender, considerate attention to these needs
of their partner. Each should seek to fulfill the other’s needs rather than to
use this highly significant relationship merely to satisfy his or her own
passion.
Couples will discover differences in the needs or
desires each partner has for the relationship, but when each strives to satisfy
the needs of the other these differences need not present a serious problem.
Remember, this intimate relationship between husband and wife was established
to bring joy to them. An effort to reach this righteous objective will enable
married couples to use their complementary natures to bring joy to this union
(chapter 6).
My parents were open and frank. I knew I could ask
them anything I was curious or concerned about, and they would answer my
questions. The human body, with all its functions, was not a forbidden topic.
I have eyes and ears, fingers and toes, and many other
body parts. Some are visible and others are sacred and private. It is important
to care for and know about the proper use and purpose of all parts of my body.
TEACHINGS of PROPHETS
Spencer W. Kimball, twelfth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1973-1985), taught:
The union of the sexes, husband and wife (and only
husband and wife), was for the principal purpose of bringing children into the
world. Sexual experiences were never intended by the Lord to be a mere
plaything or merely to satisfy passions and lusts. We know of no directive from
the Lord that proper sexual experience between husbands and wives need be
limited totally to the procreation of children, but we find much evidence from
Adam until now that no provision was ever made by the Lord for indiscriminate
sex (1975).
We urge, with Peter, ‘…Abstain from fleshy lusts,
which war against the soul.’ (1 Pet. 2 :11) No indecent exposure or pornography
or other aberrations to defile the mind and spirit. No fondling of bodies,
one’s own or that of others, and no sex between persons except in proper
marriage relationships. This is positively prohibited by our creator in all
places, at all times, and we reaffirm it. Even in marriage there can be some
excesses and distortions. No amount of rationalization to the contrary can
satisfy a disappointed Father in heaven (1974).
Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of
men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of
lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely
approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for
by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression
of love (1982).
To me, the creation of another human being—part of each spouse united in a child—is the ultimate expression of the wholeness and permanence of marriage and sexual intimacy.
Although marriage and family relationships in this world may be imperfect, there is an ideal; God is an omnipotent father, and we are His children.
Howard W Hunter, fourteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1994-1955), taught:
IDEALS
Although marriage and family relationships in this world may be imperfect, there is an ideal; God is an omnipotent father, and we are His children.
Howard W Hunter, fourteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1994-1955), taught:
“Tenderness and respect–never selfishness–must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord” (1994).
God provides commandments, and promises that we can learn to live in love and happiness. We are children of a Heavenly Father and Mother—a perfect pattern.
Howard W Hunter, fourteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1994-1955), taught:
“Tenderness and respect–never selfishness–must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord” (1994).
God provides commandments, and promises that we can learn to live in love and happiness.
Do we always succeed?
No! We’re practicing.
We often feel far from our ideal.
When we married, my husband placed his hands on my
shoulders and held me at arm’s length as if to memorize every feature of my
face. I laughed.
 |
| This is his favorite picture. |
Myself, I like the photo of us side by side, ready to walk forward together, focused on covenants to consecrate ourselves to each other, and only each other. Covenants and promises made in a house of God—a temple, with Heavenly Father, to build an eternal family—an ideal family.
Together, both perspectives contribute strength to our
marriage; remembering and moving forward, holding
tightly to covenants.
Can marriages and families become ideal?
Yes—and it may take time.
“With men this is impossible; but with God all things
are possible” (Mathew 19:26).
“If thou canst believe, all things are
possible to him that believeth” (Mark 9:23).
REFERENCES
Barlow, B.
A. "They Twain Shall Be One: Thoughts on intimacy in
marriage,": Thoughts on intimacy in marriage", Ensign,
Sept 1986, 49.
Brotherson, S.E.
(2003). "Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage." Meridian
Magazine, www.meridianmagazine.com.
President Howard
W. Hunter, Ensign, Nov. 1994, 51
Spencer W.
Kimball, Ensign, May 1974, 7.
President
Spencer W. Kimball, “The Lord’s Plan for Men and Women,” Ensign, Oct.
1975, 4).
President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of
Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311
[i]
Dr. Brotherson provides a reading list of “[q]uality resources on sexual
fulfillment in marriage that most Latter-day Saints could comfortably read …. [T]here
are some excellent sources of information that provide a sound starting point. These
are well-written, practical guides on sexual intimacy for couples by a
well-recognized sex therapist and his spouse.”
Brotherson states, “I should note that these are not
the only books on this topic, but from my perspective they will be comfortable
and informative reading for any Latter-day Saint who wishes to pursue more
understanding in this area. Additionally, many other books in the LDS
marketplace that deal with marriage have one or more chapters dealing with the
topic of sexual fulfillment in practical and insightful ways.”
Six sources are listed here as a point of further
reference:
1 - The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly
LaHaye. Excellent, Christian-based book on sexual love in marriage, frank and
wholesome. Great for engaged or newlywed couples, as well as couples at any
other stage of marriage.
2 - Between Husband and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy
by Stephen Lamb and Douglas Brinley. Solid and interesting perspective on
marital intimacy from a Latter-day Saint gospel perspective. Very good
resource.
3 - Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat. Book by a Christian MD and
therapist with his wife, very insightful and well-done.
4 - The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis. Well-known
therapist and marriage educator has written an engaging and positive book about
dealing with sexual challenges in marriage. Brand new, a great read.
5 - Purity and Passion by Wendy Watson, a BYU professor and marital
therapist whose book on intimacy is grounded in gospel understanding and
purpose. Nice resource.
6 - Couple Sexual Awareness or Sexual Awareness: Couple Sexuality for the
Twenty-first Century or Rekindling
Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages, all by
Barry and Emily McCarthy.
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