GRIDLOCK
When relationships have the same battles “again and again,” and nothing seems to have changed; when “neither of you” seem to have “humor, empathy, or affection” as you discuss touchy topics; when you draw ever further apart as you become “increasingly polarized;” and when “compromise” feels like your “core … beliefs, values, or sense of self” are critically threatened; then gridlock, a symptom of issues which are unlikely to be resolved, may be occurring (Gottman, John M., 2015, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, founder of the Gottman Institute, p.237).
Gridlock results when “certain types of negativity … run rampant”
(Gottman, p.32).
When relationships have the same battles “again and again,” and nothing seems to have changed; when “neither of you” seem to have “humor, empathy, or affection” as you discuss touchy topics; when you draw ever further apart as you become “increasingly polarized;” and when “compromise” feels like your “core … beliefs, values, or sense of self” are critically threatened; then gridlock, a symptom of issues which are unlikely to be resolved, may be occurring (Gottman, John M., 2015, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, founder of the Gottman Institute, p.237).
Gridlock results when “certain types of negativity … run rampant”
(Gottman, p.32).
4 SPECIFIC TYPES
Complaints, defined as concerns about “a specific behavior or event” become (or are interpreted as) criticism—a more global critical evaluation of overall “character or personality” (p.33). Complaints are “specific requests for change,” but “there is no such thing as constructive criticism. All criticism is painful” (Gottman, p.282).
Chronic criticism generally has “two sources … an emotionally unresponsive partner, [and] self-doubt,” the persistent inadequacy which plagues people “from within” (p.282).
“Sarcasm … cynicism …name-calling, eye rolling, mockery, and hostile humor” are manifestations of contempt (p.34). It rears its insolent attitude of “superiority over one’s partner” next, to not only prohibit diverse viewpoints, but to also categorize disparities as “moral deficienc[ies]” (p.35).
As unpleasant interactions intensify, “defensiveness in all its guises … escalates the conflict.”
Its finger-pointing shifts blame away from self and any personal responsibility to “back down or apologize” (p.37, 164).
“Stonewalling … acting like an impassive stone wall … arrives later,” as partners turn away from one another, and begin to not only avoid conflict, but also each other (p.38).
ANTIDOTES
Its finger-pointing shifts blame away from self and any personal responsibility to “back down or apologize” (p.37, 164).
“Stonewalling … acting like an impassive stone wall … arrives later,” as partners turn away from one another, and begin to not only avoid conflict, but also each other (p.38).
Am I turning toward my spouse?
Or am I turning away from, or even against, him or her?ANTIDOTES
Real antidotes to toxic behaviors exist.
Quoting psychologist Daniel B. Wile’s book After the Honeymoon, Gottman indicates “When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with” for the duration of your relationship (p.139).
Quoting psychologist Daniel B. Wile’s book After the Honeymoon, Gottman indicates “When choosing a long-term partner … you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with” for the duration of your relationship (p.139).
Research by Gottman indicates that a 69% “majority of marital conflicts” are perpetual, but happy couples have learned to “live with [marital conflict] and approach it with good humor” (2015, p. 137-139).
President Ezra Taft Benson, thirteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1985-1994), taught:
President Ezra Taft Benson, thirteenth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (1985-1994), taught:
"You do change human nature, your own human nature, if you surrender
it to Christ.
it to Christ.
"Human nature can be changed here and now.
"Human nature has been changed in the past ….
"And only Christ can change it"
(As quoted by Goddard, p.128).
(As quoted by Goddard, p.128).
 |
| All can be healed through Christ. He can heal the sick, and even raise the dead (John 11:1-2,5,11,14,43) The Raising of Lazarus, by Carl Bloch |
We have been married 35 years.
Gridlock has not been foreign to us.
At one critical juncture (when I was hurt and angry), our Bishop counseled me to look for something to thank my spouse for, every day for one month. I agreed.
I began, grudgingly,
but I kept that promise.
Each day I added one or more items to a list I kept to prove that I was keeping my promise. When I again visited with the Bishop, I asked if he wanted the list, half-hidden in my hand by folding it neatly into a small square.
The Bishop, in turn, asked if I needed to give it to him. I didn’t.
I was changed.
At one critical juncture (when I was hurt and angry), our Bishop counseled me to look for something to thank my spouse for, every day for one month. I agreed.
I began, grudgingly,
but I kept that promise.
Each day I added one or more items to a list I kept to prove that I was keeping my promise. When I again visited with the Bishop, I asked if he wanted the list, half-hidden in my hand by folding it neatly into a small square.
The Bishop, in turn, asked if I needed to give it to him. I didn’t.
I was changed.
Gratitude to my husband did not initially change him; it altered
my thoughts and feelings.
I was surprised.
I decided to apply gratitude and praise exercises to myself.
What was I doing well?
GRATITUDE
Dr. H. Wallace Goddard suggests that appreciating “little habits and eccentricities” aids us to understand and accept our spouse [or others] “as a total package” (p. 106).
Dr. John M. Gottman extends the same concept to forgiving ourselves. He teaches, “The best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all your flaws” (p.283).
Thomas S. Monson, modern prophet of God and president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, asked all listening to his April 2017 General Conference address to “examine our lives and determine to follow the Savior’s example by being kind, loving, and charitable.”
One of the kindest, most loving, and charitable accomplishments in all relationships is appreciation—simply saying ‘thank you.’
“If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues,” avowed President Monson, in his October 2010 General Conference address titled, “The Divine Gift of Gratitude.
REFERENCES
Elder Marvin J. Ashton, "The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword," April 1992, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword?lang=eng
Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.
Gottman, J. M., and Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
President Thomas S. Monson, “The Divine Gift of Gratitude.” October 2010, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-divine-gift-of-gratitude?lang=eng
President Thomas S. Monson, “Kindness, Charity, and Love.”April 2017, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/kindness-charity-and-love?lang=eng
President Thomas S. Monson, “Kindness, Charity, and Love.”April 2017, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/kindness-charity-and-love?lang=eng
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