APPRECIATIVE PRAISE

“Marriage teaches you

• loyalty, 
• forbearance, 
• self-restraint,
• meekness,
• and a great many other things you wouldn’t need if you had stayed single,” jokingly quotes Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, Professor of Family Life for the University of Arkansas, in his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage (2007, p.129, bullets mine).

“The truth is different,” Goddard teaches. “We need those qualities whether married or single ….”

My spouse, David, and I both love cantaloupe.

If one of us slices and peels it, cuts it into bite-sized chunks, and places it in the frig ‘ready-to-eat,’ we both enjoy it.

It is quickly consumed. If not prepared, sometimes the fruit spoils before it is eaten.

Recently, while pressed for time, I sliced off the end and ate it, but did not prepare the remaining fruit, except to remove the seeds and the pulp surrounding them. My husband, seeking a quick snack, opened the refrigerator and complained that it wasn’t prepared.

I reminded him it was seeded,
and teasing him mildly, 

suggested he thank me for seeding it.

He did.

Dr. John M Gottman,  professor of psychology, bestselling author, and founder of the Gottman Institute, calls my husband’s kind response, and subsequent actions, a ‘repair attempt.

“I feel lazy today,” David said.
“I don’t feel like cutting a whole slice.”
 But then he cut a slice, and ate it.
 I felt like he gave me a gift.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman asserts that successful repair attempts are one of the “primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish” (p. 27) and one of the most “important findings” from the.“Love Lab,” in Seattle.

When we look for good, or accept influence from others, we are “open to considering [their] position” (p. 184-185).

In other words we show charity toward them.

REJOICE IN WHAT’S RIGHT

If we have “trained [our] mind to see what is wrong, what is missing,” we fail to notice or “appreciate what is there,” and it is virtually impossible to “rejoice in what’s right with [our spouse]  or [our] marriage” (Gottman, p.283).

Dr. Gottman spells out that this “reflects what goes wrong 85 percent of the time in marriages. … You are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner … and overlook the fine qualities that are there—those we take for granted.

The bowl of cantaloupe in my refrigerator provides a simple example.
Later that day, I peeled and cubed the melon.

Dr. Goddard quotes Elder Marvin J. Ashton, a Latter-day Saint apostle of
 Jesus Christ, as he describes how to best effect charity:

Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.

Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down (p.110).

Elder Ashton continued, 

Charity … [is] resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. 

Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone [including self] who has hurt us. 

Charity is expecting the best of each other (April, 1992).

“Irritation can be our friend,” teaches Dr. Goddard. “It alerts us to the risk … that something we are doing (or feeling, or saying) is creating a sore” similar to having a pebble in our shoes (p.75).

It alerts us that change (and perhaps repentance) is needed.

Dr. Goddard emphasizes
 “We cannot fix our partners.”
 “We cannot even fix ourselves!
 "But we can make ourselves humble” (p.143).
 “We must have divine help” (p.142).

[Next: Gridlock Antidotes]
  

  REFERENCES

Elder Marvin J. Ashton, "The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword," April 1992, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Gottman, J. M., and Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

President Thomas S. Monson, “The Divine Gift of Gratitude.” October 2010, retrieved 20 June 2017 from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/the-divine-gift-of-gratitude?lang=eng 

President Thomas S. Monson, “Kindness, Charity, and Love.”April 2017, retrieved 20 June 2017 from  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2017/04/kindness-charity-and-love?lang=eng