“Family rules are maintained and transmitted across generations on three levels: explicit, implicit, and intuitive” teaches Dr. Bernard E. Poduska, associate professor of family life at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, (p.27).
EXPLICIT RULES
A large poster, of a great variety of fresh vegetable and wholesome
foods and grains, graced the wall behind our dining room table for many years.
It was an EXPLICIT message impossible to ignore: this family loves vegetables.
It was a family rule; we mostly eat healthy foods.
It was a family rule; we mostly eat healthy foods.
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| Similar posters may be purchased at All Posters on-line. |
It was discussed openly, and everyone knew the symbolism of
that poster. EXPLICIT rules are the most obvious kinds. They are often written out and
placed prominently for all to see and remember: by the microwave or on the
refrigerator, in a hallway, beside a light switch, or on a door.
Such messages also may carry implicit and/or intuitive messages.
We have other EXPLICIT
messages written on sticky notes, or dry erase marker on the large mirror in
our main bathroom. We call it our personal ‘Liahona” (see 1Nephi 16). The
writing “change[s] from time to time” as prompts and quotes remind us to align
our actions with our knowledge:
When we were newlyweds, my husband David, arrived home from work early in the evening. I was prepared. A carefully planned supper simmered on the stove, with fresh bread just coming out of the oven. The table was set, the house tidy, and I had changed to a fresh blouse.
David and I had to discuss and negotiate our own 'family rules' and expectations.
We abstain from using tobacco and alcohol, and hot drinks—specifically coffee and tea. We believe
His key in the lock, and step on the landing alerted me that he was home. I finished turning the bread out of the baking pans, buttered the tops of the loaves, and placed the food in serving dishes.
From the doorway of our split level home, David called out his arrival, but never came down to the main floor. I knew how much he loved fresh-from-the-oven bread; how could he resist the aroma? I went up to tell him supper was getting cold.
I found him just getting into a steaming bath. When he arrived home from a tense, sweaty day at work he expected a leisurely soak, and an uninterrupted period of relaxation; “Could you scrub my back,” he asked hopefully.
I was astonished. Wasn’t he hungry?
Marriage blends rules and expectations from two cultures – two different family systems, and none of us “enter marriage empty handed; we carry a lot of ‘baggage’ with us” (Poduska, 2000, p.25).
My spouse and I were each acting according to IMPLICIT, unspoken rules “taught through non-verbal communication”
and learned “below conscious awareness,” about “every day kinds of issues” (Poduska,
2000, pp.27-28). These lessons are “repeated throughout childhood” (p. 27). We all know where our father sits, and what to
do (or avoid) if our mother cries.
David grew up in town, and his father worked in an office. He
also served in Stake [i]
and Ward (or Branch) [ii]
leadership roles [iii]. In the evening, he might work around the house or yard, attend scheduled
meetings, relax visiting friends, or play with the children.
When David got home from
work he wanted to immediately ‘clean-up,’ to be refreshed and ready for evening
activities with friends and family. He was willing to delay supper enough to be
refreshed, set aside the stresses of the day, and able to engage socially.
When my father got home from work he was often pressured for
time, and needed to eat immediately. We lived on a small farm with animals and
crops to care for before night fell. The dirtiest and hardest part of his day
began after supper, in the fields and barnyard. He did not need to clean up or
rest. He needed food for impeding rigor. I understood this need and the
unspoken sacrifices and rules effected by that need.
David and I had to discuss and negotiate our own 'family rules' and expectations.
“It is important that
couples understand the rules that bias their perceptions” (Poduska, 2000. p. 30)
because misunderstandings and hurt feelings may impose unexpected penalties.
Differences between husband and wife, “their
irreverence toward or compliance with family rules … helps explain why some …
in-law[s] are accepted … and others are not. The degree of harmony between a
husband’s family rules and the wife’s family rules also greatly determines the
degree of difficulty in adjusting to marriage” (p.31).
When expectations aren’t met, “the most frequent consequences” are “distancing by other family members” (p.30).
INTUITIVE RULES
The poster of fruits and vegetables in our dining room, represented not only an explicit rule, but also significant INTUITIVE family
rules. As multi-generational members of The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints, we adhere to The Word of Wisdom, a health code revealed to
Joseph Smith in 1833[iv].
“… strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of [our] bodies. And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.And again, hot
drinks [coffee and tea] are not for the body or belly.
And …all wholesome herbs
God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—Every herb in
the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used
with prudence and thanksgiving.
Yea, flesh also
of beasts and of the fowls of the air, … [are] ordained for the use
of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly; …
All grain is
ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life…. (Doctrine and
Covenants 89:7-14).
INTUITIVE RULES, usually
unspoken, are more far reaching than either explicit or implicit rules. They are “associated with … ethnic, religious, or
vocational backgrounds” and are often “based on family heritage” with inherited
“instinctive obligations” incorporating traditions and beliefs that one is
expected to “pass on” to posterity (Poduska, p.28).
Although the poster in our dining room explicitly signified good health
fostered by eating well, it also carried many other implications of physical
health, religious teachings, and the habits and expectations of four and five
generations of progenitors.
Both David and I brought these same INTUITIVE rules to our relationship, so we did not experience conflict.
Both David and I brought these same INTUITIVE rules to our relationship, so we did not experience conflict.
“Most families have hundreds of spoken and unspoken rules”
(Poduska, p.29).
Dr. Poduska gives an example to illustrate:
A woman raised in a small Japanese village [develops qualities which can be directly] attributed to being Japanese. Similarly, a man raised in a small Swedish village would acquire rules that make him Swedish.
If both were to immigrate to the United States, they would
take a great deal of their heritage with them and would need to adapt … in
their new communities. (p.29)
Marriage entails similar adjustments. Rules from the past can
play a significant role in how well marital identity is formed and adjustments
to in-laws happen.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton, an apostle of The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints (1971-1994) taught, “Couples do well to immediately
find their own home, separate and apart from that of the in-laws on either side
… an independent domicile … governed by your decision, by your own prayerful
consideration” (1974, as quoted by Harper and Olsen, 2005, p.328).
Spencer W. Kimball, twelfth president of The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints (1973-1985), gave couples similar counsel to “establish their
own household, separate from their parents,” and added that married couples
“should confide in and counsel with their spouses, … [and] any counsel from
outside sources should be considered prayerfully by both spouses together” (as
quoted by Harper and Olsen, 2005, p.328).
“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their
married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect
the boundary of [a] new couple” (p.328).
As a husband and wife separate “from families of origin,” it
may help them ‘establish’ their own traditions and rules if they imagine
“existing together inside an invisible fence,” where they have privacy to
“share information and behavior with each other …[that] is not meant to be
shared with others outside the fence—not with future children and certainly not
with parents or parents-in-law” (p.328).
EXPLAIN—BE CLEAR
“The more a person
can learn and talk about the unspoken rules in the … spouse’s family, the
easier it will be to [assimilate]. … The clearer family rules are the better, because new sons—or daughters-in-law can’t follow rules if they don’t
understand them.” (Harper and Olsen, 2005, p.332).
Each couple must
learn about the other’s family rules, examine what “to perpetuate or discard”
(Poduska, p.33), and use “knowledge of [their] spouse’s rules … to express love
and consideration in ways that can be more fully understood and appreciated by
both” (p.32).
Inclusion, accepting and valuing differences, fosters fond
family interactions. When fresh
viewpoints are expected to enrich everyone, and “bring new perspectives" that enhance, balance, and even complete
understanding (Harper and Olsen, 2005, p.330), family members look forward to building and perfecting
relationships—relationships to last forever.
REFERENCES
All Posters: http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Verdura-Fresca-Fresh-Vegetables-Still-Life-Art-Print-Poster-Posters_i8927689_.htm
Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended
Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C.
Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and
practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp.
327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.
Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 2). Salt Lake City, Utah:
Shadow Mountain.
Poduska, B. (2000). Till Debt do us Part, (Chapter 11). Salt Lake
City, Utah: Shadow Mountain.
[i] Stake: An organizational
unit, often geographically based, in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. It is usually composed of 5 -10 congregations. (see Isaiah 54:2 "enlarge
the place of thy tent; stretch forth the curtains of thine habitation; spare
not, lengthen thy cords, and strengthen thy stakes").
[ii] Ward:
“Large congregations (approximately 300 or more members) are called wards, in
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Smaller congregations are
called branches. A ward is led by a bishop and two counselors, who constitute a
bishopric. Branches are led by a branch president and two counselors.”
[iii] The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints has lay leadership, unpaid members of the
congregations who volunteer their time.
[iv] This health code is found
in Doctrine
and Covenants Section 89 of The
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
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