Maintenance and Repairs

The new-to-me car was blue, my favorite color.

Possible ownership become reality when my son drove it from a distant state to my home.

The ride was exhilarating.

An accident had dented the front passenger door extensively. Although it opened and closed, the window was not functional, and glass was cracked so severely safety was an issue.

Should I drive it with damage?

Mechanically, the car was sound.

Should I ignore issues?

Everything I could imagine for economy (25-30 mpg), safety, comfort, and pleasure; and things I hadn’t (like tire pressure sensors) were mine, all mine!  

It was a steal! Found almost by chance through a surprising turn of events, I knew it was mine. Fate, God, karma — or to whatever else good is ascribed — provided an excellent car, in my price range (very low), when needed.

I felt head-over-heels!

Marriage and other important relationships can be compared.

They should have benefits, safety, comfort, pleasure — and joy.

The way you meet, and courtship, can be amazing. Soon a date is set, plans launched, and an exhilarating relationship begins. Eventually a few bumps, and perchance an accident — or two — dent rapport, damaging feelings of one or both.

Should issues be ignored?

In both instances the answer is obvious. Of course not!

Over time, damage worsens. Paint succumbs to the canker of rust, and damaged hearts shatter more surely than cracked glass. 

Without regular care and repair, the integrity of an entire vehicle or marriage is jeopardized.

Almost immediately, I had the car completely repaired. Now that window could be used without hindrance. Naturally I also thoroughly cleaned, waxed, and polished until it gleamed.  

In addition to a powerful V8, the medium-mileage, Buick Lucerne-CXL 4-door-sedan featured all 5 possible luxury packages. These included a remote start activating automatic temperature control for the interior and the cream-colored leather seats, airbag and braking safety features, rain-sense wipers, tachometer and cruise control, auto-dimming heated mirrors, specialty interior trim and lighting, incredible sound systems, and more!

Family, marriages, and other cherished relationships have deeper inherent value than cars. What special features can you identify? 

Relationships also need daily care, frequent maintenance, and occasional repairs. 

Hurt feelings and injured egos devalue connections, diminish trust, and predispose future concerns. Although the relationship is intact, repair is needed — more than mere polishing and waxing can accomplish.

How? What can be done before damage becomes divorce?

New York Times bestselling authors of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, claim successful marriage repair attempts are one of the “primary factors in whether marriage is likely to flourish.” It’s one of the most “important findings” from the "Love Lab," in Seattle.

After decades of research involving thousands of couples, they claim to be able to predict marital breakdown to divorce with an astonishing 91% average accuracy (p.2; see also Mathematics of Marriage: Predicting Divorce).

Gottman advocates repair. Just like my car required patching-up, so do relationships. Naturally, the best repairs prevent further damage. He warns, however, that relationship repair may require 5 positives for each negative.

All of us can effect relationship repair when we ask, 
"what can I do today?" 

Repair attempts among couples vary and have no particular format, but “are a secret weapon” of happy couples even though they “aren’t even aware that they are employing something so powerful.”

The terminology ‘repair attempts’ describes “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control,” and “what determines the success of [a couple’s] repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship”(2015, p.27). 

Sounds simple, right? 

We should be nice, no?

 Dr. Gottman warns friendship is anything but simple. In marriage, he found friendship is surprisingly complex. Nevertheless, “When a couple have a strong friendship they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way”(2015; p.27).

What makes marriage friendships work?

Gottman notes seven ways happy marriages are alike, but core findings of decades of research point to one “simple truth—happy marriages are based on a deep friendship . . . a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” Lasting couple relationships “are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams, . . . have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness . . . through small gestures day in and day out” (p.21).

Marriages and cars each have significant worth, but no laws compel maintenance or repair. 

Gottman advises, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.” (Especially not as readily as car repairs). Yet, he counsels, instead of wasting time in conflict couples can “learn how to live with [differences] by honoring and respecting each other”…. Successful relationships “don’t just ‘get along’— they support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build purpose into their lives together” (p.28). 

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, a marriage therapist and supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, notes an increasing trend toward avoiding divorce (2019). On her web-site, 'Divorce-Busting,' she reassures couples that repair is possible and will provide better outcomes than divorce.

A blog post ‘Time Together,' posits "spending enough time together ... [and making] relationships a number one priority" helps couples repair damage. She warns that if “relationships aren't attended to as they should be, trouble sets in.”

Does that sound like potential troubles of rusting dents, peeling paint, and cracking glass?

Weiner-Davis further explains, “time with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, ‘You matter to me.’ Time together gives people opportunities to collect new memories, do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other's jokes, to renew their love. 

Plus, more good news. You don't have to spend enormous amounts of time … [as even] regular, brief get-togethers … can make a huge difference.” She advises careful attention and planning to spending and maintaining time together. She wants everyone to remember that “Relationships are a serious business.” 

I put many miles on my blue Buick.
It's long gone, but my marriage—through ‘friendly’ choices—continues to endure.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books

MOST IMPORTANT

In May 2013, President Barack Obama addressed graduates at Moorehouse College in Atlanta, Georgia to tell them that real success in life is about excelling and sacrificing as a husband or wife, a father or mother, and as grandparents. 

What matters MOST is loving and being family.

  

Yes, I am in this picture! I am the child at the top right corner. My mother and father are directly below me, and 7 of my 10 siblings are also in the photo, as are my father's parents, and siblings (and spouses) and their children.  

 That is what matters most in life!

And yes, I am here also. I am the squinter near the center front. This represents only half or my dozen maternal aunts and uncles but does include my mother and her father (grandpa top right and mom in front of him).

I so loved being able to visit Uncles and Aunts and play with cousins. Many of us still visit and we share news in cousins groups on FaceBook. Isn't social media wonderful?

Obama said, 

“And when I talk about pursuing excellence and setting an example, I’m not just talking about in your professional life. ... 

I was raised by a heroic single mom, wonderful grandparents — made incredible sacrifices for me. And I know there are moms and grandparents here today who did the same thing for all of you. But I sure wish I had had a father who was not only present, but involved. Didn’t know my dad. ... I want to break that cycle where a father is not at home — (applause) — where a father is not helping to raise that son or daughter. I want to be a better father, a better husband, a better man.

It’s hard work that demands your constant attention and frequent sacrifice. And I promise you, Michelle will tell you I’m not perfect. She’s got a long list of my imperfections. (Laughter.) Even now, I’m still practicing, I’m still learning, still getting corrected in terms of how to be a fine husband and a good father. But I will tell you this: Everything else is unfulfilled if we fail at family, if we fail at that responsibility. (Applause.)

I know that when I am on my deathbed someday, I will not be thinking about any particular legislation I passed; I will not be thinking about a policy I promoted; I will not be thinking about the speech I gave, I will not be thinking the Nobel Prize I received. I will be thinking about that walk I took with my daughters. I’ll be thinking about a lazy afternoon with my wife. I’ll be thinking about sitting around the dinner table and seeing them happy and healthy and knowing that they were loved. And I’ll be thinking about whether I did right by all of them.

So be a good role model …”

To read or hear his full remarks (transcript below video) go to 

http://time.com/4341712/obama-commencement-speech-transcript-morehouse-college/

These particular remarks begin about 20:30 minutes into the video as he gives special emphasis to the story of one of the graduates, Frederick Anderson, to illustrate his message about what is most important.