Maintenance and Repairs

The new-to-me car was blue, my favorite color.

Possible ownership become reality when my son drove it from a distant state to my home.

The ride was exhilarating.

An accident had dented the front passenger door extensively. Although it opened and closed, the window was not functional, and glass was cracked so severely safety was an issue.

Should I drive it with damage?

Mechanically, the car was sound.

Should I ignore issues?

Everything I could imagine for economy (25-30 mpg), safety, comfort, and pleasure; and things I hadn’t (like tire pressure sensors) were mine, all mine!  

It was a steal! Found almost by chance through a surprising turn of events, I knew it was mine. Fate, God, karma — or to whatever else good is ascribed — provided an excellent car, in my price range (very low), when needed.

I felt head-over-heels!

Marriage and other important relationships can be compared.

They should have benefits, safety, comfort, pleasure — and joy.

The way you meet, and courtship, can be amazing. Soon a date is set, plans launched, and an exhilarating relationship begins. Eventually a few bumps, and perchance an accident — or two — dent rapport, damaging feelings of one or both.

Should issues be ignored?

In both instances the answer is obvious. Of course not!

Over time, damage worsens. Paint succumbs to the canker of rust, and damaged hearts shatter more surely than cracked glass. 

Without regular care and repair, the integrity of an entire vehicle or marriage is jeopardized.

Almost immediately, I had the car completely repaired. Now that window could be used without hindrance. Naturally I also thoroughly cleaned, waxed, and polished until it gleamed.  

In addition to a powerful V8, the medium-mileage, Buick Lucerne-CXL 4-door-sedan featured all 5 possible luxury packages. These included a remote start activating automatic temperature control for the interior and the cream-colored leather seats, airbag and braking safety features, rain-sense wipers, tachometer and cruise control, auto-dimming heated mirrors, specialty interior trim and lighting, incredible sound systems, and more!

Family, marriages, and other cherished relationships have deeper inherent value than cars. What special features can you identify? 

Relationships also need daily care, frequent maintenance, and occasional repairs. 

Hurt feelings and injured egos devalue connections, diminish trust, and predispose future concerns. Although the relationship is intact, repair is needed — more than mere polishing and waxing can accomplish.

How? What can be done before damage becomes divorce?

New York Times bestselling authors of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, claim successful marriage repair attempts are one of the “primary factors in whether marriage is likely to flourish.” It’s one of the most “important findings” from the "Love Lab," in Seattle.

After decades of research involving thousands of couples, they claim to be able to predict marital breakdown to divorce with an astonishing 91% average accuracy (p.2; see also Mathematics of Marriage: Predicting Divorce).

Gottman advocates repair. Just like my car required patching-up, so do relationships. Naturally, the best repairs prevent further damage. He warns, however, that relationship repair may require 5 positives for each negative.

All of us can effect relationship repair when we ask, 
"what can I do today?" 

Repair attempts among couples vary and have no particular format, but “are a secret weapon” of happy couples even though they “aren’t even aware that they are employing something so powerful.”

The terminology ‘repair attempts’ describes “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control,” and “what determines the success of [a couple’s] repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship”(2015, p.27). 

Sounds simple, right? 

We should be nice, no?

 Dr. Gottman warns friendship is anything but simple. In marriage, he found friendship is surprisingly complex. Nevertheless, “When a couple have a strong friendship they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way”(2015; p.27).

What makes marriage friendships work?

Gottman notes seven ways happy marriages are alike, but core findings of decades of research point to one “simple truth—happy marriages are based on a deep friendship . . . a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” Lasting couple relationships “are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams, . . . have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness . . . through small gestures day in and day out” (p.21).

Marriages and cars each have significant worth, but no laws compel maintenance or repair. 

Gottman advises, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.” (Especially not as readily as car repairs). Yet, he counsels, instead of wasting time in conflict couples can “learn how to live with [differences] by honoring and respecting each other”…. Successful relationships “don’t just ‘get along’— they support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build purpose into their lives together” (p.28). 

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, a marriage therapist and supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, notes an increasing trend toward avoiding divorce (2019). On her web-site, 'Divorce-Busting,' she reassures couples that repair is possible and will provide better outcomes than divorce.

A blog post ‘Time Together,' posits "spending enough time together ... [and making] relationships a number one priority" helps couples repair damage. She warns that if “relationships aren't attended to as they should be, trouble sets in.”

Does that sound like potential troubles of rusting dents, peeling paint, and cracking glass?

Weiner-Davis further explains, “time with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, ‘You matter to me.’ Time together gives people opportunities to collect new memories, do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other's jokes, to renew their love. 

Plus, more good news. You don't have to spend enormous amounts of time … [as even] regular, brief get-togethers … can make a huge difference.” She advises careful attention and planning to spending and maintaining time together. She wants everyone to remember that “Relationships are a serious business.” 

I put many miles on my blue Buick.
It's long gone, but my marriage—through ‘friendly’ choices—continues to endure.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books

MOST IMPORTANT

In May 2013, President Barack Obama addressed graduates at Moorehouse College in Atlanta, Georgia to tell them that real success in life is about excelling and sacrificing as a husband or wife, a father or mother, and as grandparents. 

What matters MOST is loving and being family.

  

Yes, I am in this picture! I am the child at the top right corner. My mother and father are directly below me, and 7 of my 10 siblings are also in the photo, as are my father's parents, and siblings (and spouses) and their children.  

 That is what matters most in life!

And yes, I am here also. I am the squinter near the center front. This represents only half or my dozen maternal aunts and uncles but does include my mother and her father (grandpa top right and mom in front of him).

I so loved being able to visit Uncles and Aunts and play with cousins. Many of us still visit and we share news in cousins groups on FaceBook. Isn't social media wonderful?

Obama said, 

“And when I talk about pursuing excellence and setting an example, I’m not just talking about in your professional life. ... 

I was raised by a heroic single mom, wonderful grandparents — made incredible sacrifices for me. And I know there are moms and grandparents here today who did the same thing for all of you. But I sure wish I had had a father who was not only present, but involved. Didn’t know my dad. ... I want to break that cycle where a father is not at home — (applause) — where a father is not helping to raise that son or daughter. I want to be a better father, a better husband, a better man.

It’s hard work that demands your constant attention and frequent sacrifice. And I promise you, Michelle will tell you I’m not perfect. She’s got a long list of my imperfections. (Laughter.) Even now, I’m still practicing, I’m still learning, still getting corrected in terms of how to be a fine husband and a good father. But I will tell you this: Everything else is unfulfilled if we fail at family, if we fail at that responsibility. (Applause.)

I know that when I am on my deathbed someday, I will not be thinking about any particular legislation I passed; I will not be thinking about a policy I promoted; I will not be thinking about the speech I gave, I will not be thinking the Nobel Prize I received. I will be thinking about that walk I took with my daughters. I’ll be thinking about a lazy afternoon with my wife. I’ll be thinking about sitting around the dinner table and seeing them happy and healthy and knowing that they were loved. And I’ll be thinking about whether I did right by all of them.

So be a good role model …”

To read or hear his full remarks (transcript below video) go to 

http://time.com/4341712/obama-commencement-speech-transcript-morehouse-college/

These particular remarks begin about 20:30 minutes into the video as he gives special emphasis to the story of one of the graduates, Frederick Anderson, to illustrate his message about what is most important.

The Divorce Diet: ReInvent Reaction Ideas

What does 'divorce' mean?
Have you ever read "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis?
He posits that divorce is a separation -
   from anything or anyone.

As in, "Sometimes I need to divorce my worst habits."

What is a diet?
   Is it what we sacrifice or deny to ourselves?
   Is it what we eat? or enjoy? or what we don't?
   Is it what you CAN have or can't?

What you internalize, or don't?



How would you define these terms?
Do these terms define only physical parameters?
Or, are there other aspects to weigh?

And consider, when conflict begins in a family, what is the 'regular' or 'habitual' response? Is it an action moving toward an 'ideal' enduring, everlasting, family?

Do we start with small basics going toward or away from our desired outcomes?

In April 2011 LDS, General Conference, Elder Lynn G. Robbins gave a talk titled, "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?" He began with the well known quote, “To be, or not to be,” suggesting it as “a very good question.1 

He reminds us,"The Savior posed the question in a far more profound way, making it a vital doctrinal question for each of us: ‘What manner of men [and women] ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am’ (3 Nephi 27:27; emphasis added). The first-person present tense of the verb be is I Am.

He invites us to take upon us His name and His nature.” As Elder Robbins finished his talk he reminded listeners that although his “remarks” were mostly “to parents, … the principles apply to everyone.”

Take a moment and reflect—ask yourself: “What manner of man or woman ought I to be?"

Elder Robbins explained it this way: "To be and to do are inseparable. As interdependent doctrines they reinforce and promote each other. Faith inspires one to pray, for example, and prayer in turn strengthens one’s faith."

As he talked about interactions between family members, mostly parents and children, I often found the expectations for how to help a child become more Christlike (and follow the example of Jesus) beneficial to me–a child of God. With small adjustments of phrasing, I suddenly found the very basics I need to apply to my interactions with other family members – even some interactions with my spouse.

Elder Robbins said, “We will never have a greater opportunity to teach and show Christlike attributes to our children than in the way we discipline them … It should not be done in anger. We can and should discipline the way that Doctrine and Covenants 121 teaches us: ‘by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge’ (verses 41–42). These are all Christlike be’s that should be a part of who we, as parents and disciples of Christ, are.”

[What if we paraphrase that counsel to apply it to marriage?

“We will never have a greater opportunity to [share] or show Christlike attributes to our [spouse] than in the way we disagree with them … It should not be done in anger. We can and should [disagree] the way that Doctrine and Covenants 121 teaches us: ‘by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge’ (verses 41–42). These are all Christlike be’s that should be a part of who we, as [partners] and disciples of Christ, are.”

Continuing to paraphrase and apply Elder Robbins counsel to everyone, can we “turn negatives into positives[?] If your [spouse] confesses to a wrong, praise the courage it took to confess. Ask … what he or she learned from the mistake or misdeed, which gives … the Spirit an opportunity to touch and teach [you and them]. When we [learn]… doctrine by the Spirit, that doctrine has the power to change [our] very nature—be—over time.

“Alma discovered this same principle, that ‘the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword’ (Alma 31:5; emphasis added). Why? Because the sword focused only on punishing behavior—or do—while preaching the word changed people’s very nature—who they were or could become.

“[An easy going, compliant spouse will enroll us in Marriage] 101. If you are blessed with a [spouse] who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in [Marriage] 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the pre-mortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging [spouse] a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself …[in developing] your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this [spouse] as much as this [spouse] needs you?

“We have all heard the advice to condemn the sin and not the sinner. Likewise, when [there is family conflict] …, we must be careful not to say things that would cause anyone to believe that what they did wrong is who they are. “Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” with its attendant labels like “stupid,” “slow,” “lazy,” or “clumsy.”2 Our [family members] are God’s children. That is their true identity and potential. His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. Disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity.

“We need to be careful, therefore, about using permanent phrases such as ‘You always …’or ‘You never …’ [during conflict]. Take care with phrases such as ‘You never consider my feelings’ or ‘Why do you always make us wait?’ Phrases like these make actions appear as an identity and can adversely influence … [other]’s self-perception…, identity, or self-worth. …

“In helping [family members] discover who they are and helping strengthen their self-worth, we can appropriately compliment their achievement or behavior—the do. But it would be even wiser to focus our primary praise on their character and beliefs—who they are.”…

"During family scripture time, look for and discuss examples of attributes discovered in your reading that day. Because Christlike attributes are gifts from God and cannot be developed without His help,3 in family and personal prayers, pray for those gifts.

At the dinner table, occasionally talk about attributes, especially those you discovered in the scriptures earlier that morning. “In what way were you a good friend today? In what way did you show compassion? How did faith help you face today’s challenges? In what way were you dependable? honest? generous? humble?” There are scores of attributes in the scriptures that need to be [shared] and learned.

The most important way to [share] to be is to be [like] … our Father in Heaven is to us. He is … perfect …, and He has shared with us His … manual—the scriptures. … May your efforts to develop Christlike attributes be successful so that His image may be engraven in your countenance and His attributes manifest in your behavior.

REFERENCES
1. William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, 

     act 3, scene 1, line 56.
2. Carol Dweck, quoted in Joe Kita, “Bounce Back Chronicles,” 

     Reader’s Digest, May 2009, 95.
3. See Preach My Gospel: A Guide to Missionary Service (2004), 115.