LISTEN

 "The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard." (Listen to Learn, Russell M. Nelson, Apr1991)

Can you hear? Are you deaf?

Do you just need a hearing aid? 

What sound is entering your ears?

Is there a sound you want (or need) to tell someone about?

Who can you hear? 

Can they hear you?

Listening is an important sign of respect.

While growing up, a key lesson taught by my parents was to show respect by listening when someone spoke to you. It was also important to reply to them, in some way, so they knew that you understood the things they were trying to communicate to you. 

"Children are naturally eager to share their experiences.... Are we as eager to listen? ... Parents with teenage youth may find that the time for listening is often less convenient but more important when young people feel lonely or troubled. And when they seem to deserve favor least, they may need it most.

"Wise parents and teachers, listen to learn from children. ... Wise children, listen to learn from parents. ... Wise partners, listen to learn from one another. ... 

"[S]ome couples seem not to listen to one another. Taking time to talk is essential to keep lines of communication intact. If marriage is a prime relationship in life, it deserves prime time!" (Listen to Learn, Russell M. Nelson, Apr1991)

Russell M. Nelson's excellent guiding help (from approximately 30 years ago while he served in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles), for the many different relationships we have with family, neighbors, and church leaders specifically includes listening to the "sentiments" of others, while looking them in the eyes when they are speaking (as he has observed a friend and excellent listener do), to help show genuine interest.

Russell M. Nelson become president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in January 2018, and although his advice in 1991 is many years prior, I feel his most significant counsel then is the reminder to always be listening for guidance from God, the Father, and His son Jesus Christ. 

He also reminded us that "Scriptures recorded in all dispensations teach that we show our love of God as we hearken to His commandments and obey them." Nelson then closed this April 1991 conference address in the name of Jesus Christ by testifying of Jesus, and certifying that as we "...'hearken and ... hear the voice of the Lord,' we will be blessed, 'for the hour of [Christ's] coming is nigh' (D&C 133:16-17)."

I add my witness, that listening to those around us is vital for good relationships of all kinds. I also witness that listening for the quiet thoughts and whispers from God, that come to our minds as we search the scriptures and seek promptings from the Holy Ghost to know the will of our Father in Heaven, changes and increases our relationship with God so we really can have His help, and genuine guidance from Him in the sweetest relationship possible. 

Maintenance and Repairs

The new-to-me car was blue, my favorite color.

Possible ownership become reality when my son drove it from a distant state to my home.

The ride was exhilarating.

An accident had dented the front passenger door extensively. Although it opened and closed, the window was not functional, and glass was cracked so severely safety was an issue.

Should I drive it with damage?

Mechanically, the car was sound.

Should I ignore issues?

Everything I could imagine for economy (25-30 mpg), safety, comfort, and pleasure; and things I hadn’t (like tire pressure sensors) were mine, all mine!  

It was a steal! Found almost by chance through a surprising turn of events, I knew it was mine. Fate, God, karma — or to whatever else good is ascribed — provided an excellent car, in my price range (very low), when needed.

I felt head-over-heels!

Marriage and other important relationships can be compared.

They should have benefits, safety, comfort, pleasure — and joy.

The way you meet, and courtship, can be amazing. Soon a date is set, plans launched, and an exhilarating relationship begins. Eventually a few bumps, and perchance an accident — or two — dent rapport, damaging feelings of one or both.

Should issues be ignored?

In both instances the answer is obvious. Of course not!

Over time, damage worsens. Paint succumbs to the canker of rust, and damaged hearts shatter more surely than cracked glass. 

Without regular care and repair, the integrity of an entire vehicle or marriage is jeopardized.

Almost immediately, I had the car completely repaired. Now that window could be used without hindrance. Naturally I also thoroughly cleaned, waxed, and polished until it gleamed.  

In addition to a powerful V8, the medium-mileage, Buick Lucerne-CXL 4-door-sedan featured all 5 possible luxury packages. These included a remote start activating automatic temperature control for the interior and the cream-colored leather seats, airbag and braking safety features, rain-sense wipers, tachometer and cruise control, auto-dimming heated mirrors, specialty interior trim and lighting, incredible sound systems, and more!

Family, marriages, and other cherished relationships have deeper inherent value than cars. What special features can you identify? 

Relationships also need daily care, frequent maintenance, and occasional repairs. 

Hurt feelings and injured egos devalue connections, diminish trust, and predispose future concerns. Although the relationship is intact, repair is needed — more than mere polishing and waxing can accomplish.

How? What can be done before damage becomes divorce?

New York Times bestselling authors of “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” John M. Gottman and Nan Silver, claim successful marriage repair attempts are one of the “primary factors in whether marriage is likely to flourish.” It’s one of the most “important findings” from the "Love Lab," in Seattle.

After decades of research involving thousands of couples, they claim to be able to predict marital breakdown to divorce with an astonishing 91% average accuracy (p.2; see also Mathematics of Marriage: Predicting Divorce).

Gottman advocates repair. Just like my car required patching-up, so do relationships. Naturally, the best repairs prevent further damage. He warns, however, that relationship repair may require 5 positives for each negative.

All of us can effect relationship repair when we ask, 
"what can I do today?" 

Repair attempts among couples vary and have no particular format, but “are a secret weapon” of happy couples even though they “aren’t even aware that they are employing something so powerful.”

The terminology ‘repair attempts’ describes “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control,” and “what determines the success of [a couple’s] repair attempts is the strength of their marital friendship”(2015, p.27). 

Sounds simple, right? 

We should be nice, no?

 Dr. Gottman warns friendship is anything but simple. In marriage, he found friendship is surprisingly complex. Nevertheless, “When a couple have a strong friendship they naturally become experts at sending each other repair attempts and at correctly reading those sent their way”(2015; p.27).

What makes marriage friendships work?

Gottman notes seven ways happy marriages are alike, but core findings of decades of research point to one “simple truth—happy marriages are based on a deep friendship . . . a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” Lasting couple relationships “are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams, . . . have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness . . . through small gestures day in and day out” (p.21).

Marriages and cars each have significant worth, but no laws compel maintenance or repair. 

Gottman advises, “Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.” (Especially not as readily as car repairs). Yet, he counsels, instead of wasting time in conflict couples can “learn how to live with [differences] by honoring and respecting each other”…. Successful relationships “don’t just ‘get along’— they support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build purpose into their lives together” (p.28). 

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, a marriage therapist and supervisor for the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, notes an increasing trend toward avoiding divorce (2019). On her web-site, 'Divorce-Busting,' she reassures couples that repair is possible and will provide better outcomes than divorce.

A blog post ‘Time Together,' posits "spending enough time together ... [and making] relationships a number one priority" helps couples repair damage. She warns that if “relationships aren't attended to as they should be, trouble sets in.”

Does that sound like potential troubles of rusting dents, peeling paint, and cracking glass?

Weiner-Davis further explains, “time with your partner tells him or her in no uncertain terms, ‘You matter to me.’ Time together gives people opportunities to collect new memories, do activities they enjoy, to laugh at each other's jokes, to renew their love. 

Plus, more good news. You don't have to spend enormous amounts of time … [as even] regular, brief get-togethers … can make a huge difference.” She advises careful attention and planning to spending and maintaining time together. She wants everyone to remember that “Relationships are a serious business.” 

I put many miles on my blue Buick.
It's long gone, but my marriage—through ‘friendly’ choices—continues to endure.

References:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books

MOST IMPORTANT

In May 2013, President Barack Obama addressed graduates at Moorehouse College in Atlanta, Georgia to tell them that real success in life is about excelling and sacrificing as a husband or wife, a father or mother, and as grandparents. 

What matters MOST is loving and being family.

  

Yes, I am in this picture! I am the child at the top right corner. My mother and father are directly below me, and 7 of my 10 siblings are also in the photo, as are my father's parents, and siblings (and spouses) and their children.  

 That is what matters most in life!

And yes, I am here also. I am the squinter near the center front. This represents only half or my dozen maternal aunts and uncles but does include my mother and her father (grandpa top right and mom in front of him).

I so loved being able to visit Uncles and Aunts and play with cousins. Many of us still visit and we share news in cousins groups on FaceBook. Isn't social media wonderful?

Obama said, 

“And when I talk about pursuing excellence and setting an example, I’m not just talking about in your professional life. ... 

I was raised by a heroic single mom, wonderful grandparents — made incredible sacrifices for me. And I know there are moms and grandparents here today who did the same thing for all of you. But I sure wish I had had a father who was not only present, but involved. Didn’t know my dad. ... I want to break that cycle where a father is not at home — (applause) — where a father is not helping to raise that son or daughter. I want to be a better father, a better husband, a better man.

It’s hard work that demands your constant attention and frequent sacrifice. And I promise you, Michelle will tell you I’m not perfect. She’s got a long list of my imperfections. (Laughter.) Even now, I’m still practicing, I’m still learning, still getting corrected in terms of how to be a fine husband and a good father. But I will tell you this: Everything else is unfulfilled if we fail at family, if we fail at that responsibility. (Applause.)

I know that when I am on my deathbed someday, I will not be thinking about any particular legislation I passed; I will not be thinking about a policy I promoted; I will not be thinking about the speech I gave, I will not be thinking the Nobel Prize I received. I will be thinking about that walk I took with my daughters. I’ll be thinking about a lazy afternoon with my wife. I’ll be thinking about sitting around the dinner table and seeing them happy and healthy and knowing that they were loved. And I’ll be thinking about whether I did right by all of them.

So be a good role model …”

To read or hear his full remarks (transcript below video) go to 

http://time.com/4341712/obama-commencement-speech-transcript-morehouse-college/

These particular remarks begin about 20:30 minutes into the video as he gives special emphasis to the story of one of the graduates, Frederick Anderson, to illustrate his message about what is most important.

The Divorce Diet: ReInvent Reaction Ideas

What does 'divorce' mean?
Have you ever read "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis?
He posits that divorce is a separation -
   from anything or anyone.

As in, "Sometimes I need to divorce my worst habits."

What is a diet?
   Is it what we sacrifice or deny to ourselves?
   Is it what we eat? or enjoy? or what we don't?
   Is it what you CAN have or can't?

What you internalize, or don't?



How would you define these terms?
Do these terms define only physical parameters?
Or, are there other aspects to weigh?

And consider, when conflict begins in a family, what is the 'regular' or 'habitual' response? Is it an action moving toward an 'ideal' enduring, everlasting, family?

Do we start with small basics going toward or away from our desired outcomes?

In April 2011 LDS, General Conference, Elder Lynn G. Robbins gave a talk titled, "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?" He began with the well known quote, “To be, or not to be,” suggesting it as “a very good question.1 

He reminds us,"The Savior posed the question in a far more profound way, making it a vital doctrinal question for each of us: ‘What manner of men [and women] ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am’ (3 Nephi 27:27; emphasis added). The first-person present tense of the verb be is I Am.

He invites us to take upon us His name and His nature.” As Elder Robbins finished his talk he reminded listeners that although his “remarks” were mostly “to parents, … the principles apply to everyone.”

Take a moment and reflect—ask yourself: “What manner of man or woman ought I to be?"

Elder Robbins explained it this way: "To be and to do are inseparable. As interdependent doctrines they reinforce and promote each other. Faith inspires one to pray, for example, and prayer in turn strengthens one’s faith."

As he talked about interactions between family members, mostly parents and children, I often found the expectations for how to help a child become more Christlike (and follow the example of Jesus) beneficial to me–a child of God. With small adjustments of phrasing, I suddenly found the very basics I need to apply to my interactions with other family members – even some interactions with my spouse.

Elder Robbins said, “We will never have a greater opportunity to teach and show Christlike attributes to our children than in the way we discipline them … It should not be done in anger. We can and should discipline the way that Doctrine and Covenants 121 teaches us: ‘by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge’ (verses 41–42). These are all Christlike be’s that should be a part of who we, as parents and disciples of Christ, are.”

[What if we paraphrase that counsel to apply it to marriage?

“We will never have a greater opportunity to [share] or show Christlike attributes to our [spouse] than in the way we disagree with them … It should not be done in anger. We can and should [disagree] the way that Doctrine and Covenants 121 teaches us: ‘by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness and pure knowledge’ (verses 41–42). These are all Christlike be’s that should be a part of who we, as [partners] and disciples of Christ, are.”

Continuing to paraphrase and apply Elder Robbins counsel to everyone, can we “turn negatives into positives[?] If your [spouse] confesses to a wrong, praise the courage it took to confess. Ask … what he or she learned from the mistake or misdeed, which gives … the Spirit an opportunity to touch and teach [you and them]. When we [learn]… doctrine by the Spirit, that doctrine has the power to change [our] very nature—be—over time.

“Alma discovered this same principle, that ‘the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword’ (Alma 31:5; emphasis added). Why? Because the sword focused only on punishing behavior—or do—while preaching the word changed people’s very nature—who they were or could become.

“[An easy going, compliant spouse will enroll us in Marriage] 101. If you are blessed with a [spouse] who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in [Marriage] 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the pre-mortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging [spouse] a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself …[in developing] your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this [spouse] as much as this [spouse] needs you?

“We have all heard the advice to condemn the sin and not the sinner. Likewise, when [there is family conflict] …, we must be careful not to say things that would cause anyone to believe that what they did wrong is who they are. “Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” with its attendant labels like “stupid,” “slow,” “lazy,” or “clumsy.”2 Our [family members] are God’s children. That is their true identity and potential. His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. Disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity.

“We need to be careful, therefore, about using permanent phrases such as ‘You always …’or ‘You never …’ [during conflict]. Take care with phrases such as ‘You never consider my feelings’ or ‘Why do you always make us wait?’ Phrases like these make actions appear as an identity and can adversely influence … [other]’s self-perception…, identity, or self-worth. …

“In helping [family members] discover who they are and helping strengthen their self-worth, we can appropriately compliment their achievement or behavior—the do. But it would be even wiser to focus our primary praise on their character and beliefs—who they are.”…

"During family scripture time, look for and discuss examples of attributes discovered in your reading that day. Because Christlike attributes are gifts from God and cannot be developed without His help,3 in family and personal prayers, pray for those gifts.

At the dinner table, occasionally talk about attributes, especially those you discovered in the scriptures earlier that morning. “In what way were you a good friend today? In what way did you show compassion? How did faith help you face today’s challenges? In what way were you dependable? honest? generous? humble?” There are scores of attributes in the scriptures that need to be [shared] and learned.

The most important way to [share] to be is to be [like] … our Father in Heaven is to us. He is … perfect …, and He has shared with us His … manual—the scriptures. … May your efforts to develop Christlike attributes be successful so that His image may be engraven in your countenance and His attributes manifest in your behavior.

REFERENCES
1. William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, 

     act 3, scene 1, line 56.
2. Carol Dweck, quoted in Joe Kita, “Bounce Back Chronicles,” 

     Reader’s Digest, May 2009, 95.
3. See Preach My Gospel: A Guide to Missionary Service (2004), 115.

HTML and CSS

What an adventure!

Design a fake White-water Rafting web page - as if real!

This is a 1 credit class - yes, only one - supposedly beginner basics.

However, I spend more time trying to learn web design and development basics than I am putting into intense 3 credit classes that openly claim to require 15-20 hours per week.

I am a rank beginner. I am starting from virtually nil - no pun intended.

All Wet - ya think? 

I am sure I will survive. I have on a life-vest - I think!
So why do I feel like I've neglected to put on my helmet?

SAMPLE 4: FAMILY LIFE COACHING

Mini Workshop IV: Strength Identification

What is one way you excel?

I have a strong voice.
Yes, that does mean it is loud.
In fact, when my husband drives with me in the car,
sometimes he covers his ear nearest to me.

Sorry, dear.

Every weakness has an opposite strength.
Those who are stubborn, are also steadfast.

(And my voice can be heard clearly without a mike.)

What are your strengths?

Strengths can open closed paths ...
Strengths identify open doors, show us light, and directions.

Strengths connect our head with our heart.

What are your strengths?

In October 2008, Elder Jeffrey R Holland encouraged listeners:

“Take heart, be filled with faith, and remember the Lord has said He ‘would fight [our] battles, [our] children’s battles, and [the battles of our] children’s children (D&C 98:37).’ And what do we do to merit such a defense? We are to ‘search diligently, pray always, and be believing[. Then] all things shall work together for [our] good, if [we] walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted (D&C 90:24).’ The latter days are not a time to fear and tremble. They are a time to be believing and remember our covenants. [sic]

Rescue of the Lost Lamb by Minerva Teichert

“God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved (Moroni 7:36).

"On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal” (The Ministry of Angels, October 2008).

SAMPLE 3: FAMILY LIFE COACHING

Mini Workshop III: Patterns and Possibilities

Gratitude and Kindness are key parts of genuine happiness.
Being Mindful of habitual interactions also contributes.

“[T]he positive, outward focus afforded by gratitude and kindness interventions mobilize the existing support that people have in their lives, enabling them to forge new or strengthened connections with others.

"[These findings are] consistent with prior research indicating an association between gratitude, kindness, and elements of improved relational functioning… [to]… predict the acquisition of positive relational resources ...” (Passmore, & Oades, 2016).

Mindful. Kindness. Gratitude.

What do these terms mean?

Let's define them.

Being Mindful is the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

The concept of mindfulness originates in a term meaning to remember.

It combines remembering with a sense of 

 non-judgmental acceptance, kindness 
and friendliness.

Kindness: is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Kindness changes hearts and lives.

In kindness intervention research, kindness is defined as “behaviors that benefit other people, or make them happy.” Researchers propose that these behaviors “usually involve some effort on our part” (Kerr et al, 2015), and suggest we look for 5 daily acts of kindness that we can do every day, with at least one of those acts being intentional.

What 5 acts of kindness can you do today— making one of those acts intentional?

"Kindness is a choice that can create change today—now (Kerr, S. C.,2015).

“Positive emotion has an 'undoing effect' on damaging negative mood states, and is self-perpetuating, such that the experience of positive emotion can lead to an upward spiral ... [as] the context of ... one’s habitual ways of thinking are expanded and broadened …

 “Cultivat[ing] feelings of loving-kindness (directed toward the self and others)
… [gives] purpose in life, social support, … and reduced negative affect and symptoms of illness ...

"Otake et al. (2006) examined the importance of kindness … [and observed] increases in happiness … in participants who had completed the most kind acts, whereas no increase in happiness was observed for the control group”
(Kerr, S. C., 2015).

How many synonyms can you think of for the word Kind?

In a literature review of hundreds of studies about positive and negative affects on emotional and physical well-being, Ramsey and Gentzler provide evidence that positive interactions form “an upward spiral” of increasingly beneficial exchanges. Their research includes many other specific categories and “indicates that we all are actively influencing each other's positive [attitudes]” and that this is associated with “the quality of our relationships” (Ramsey & Gentzler, 2015). 

In other research regarding couple relationships, we learn that this influence is so great that "when there is a discrepancy between individuals' self-views and a spouses' views, both change in ways to become more consistent with the views of the other. [Beware however,] that individuals and spouses are as likely to adopt negative views as they are to adopt positive views" (Cast & Cantwell 2007). 

Gratitude: is readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness; 

  the quality of being thankful.

“[G]ratitude is, in essence, a positive emotion beneficial for positive functioning, as well as broadening and building other positive emotions, which, in turn, result in an increase in emotional well-being” (CHIH-CHE, L. 2015, my emphasis).

“ [G]ratitude serves a social function in helping build and maintain relationships between family members and the wider kinship group.

More importantly, gratitude encourages individuals to focus their attention on the positive aspects of their life, in contrast with dwelling on negative issues and events.

Research … has linked gratitude with hope, life satisfaction and
  more proactive behaviors towards others.

In conflict situations, reflect on the individual with whom you are in conflict. If a relationship is “less strong, reflect and identify one (or – even better – two or three) characteristics admired or appreciated in the other person. By expressing gratitude for these aspects of the person, and by focusing attention on these aspects,
 an anchor can be provided which may allow the relationship to develop . . .”
(Passmore, & Oades, (2016).

Consistent daily choices change our connectedness and confidence, 
 and begin in our thoughts.

Elder David A. Bednar, of the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, teaches:

“Ordinary people who faithfully, diligently, and consistently do simple things that are right before God will bring forth extraordinary results" (Bednar, BYU’s 2011 Women’s Conference).

RESOURCES

Allemand, M., & Hill, P. L. (2016). Gratitude From Early Adulthood to Old Age. Journal Of Personality, 84(1), 21-35.

Bednar, D. A. (2011). Small and simple things. BYU Women’s Conference Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/church/news/elder-david-a-bednar-teaches-about-the-spiritual-pattern-of-small-and-simple-things?lang=eng

Benzo, R. P., Abascal-Bolado, B., & Dulohery, M. M. (2016). Quality of life: Self-management and quality of life in chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD): The mediating effects of positive affect. Patient Education And Counseling, 99617-623. doi:10.1016/j.pec.2015.10.031

Carr, D., Morgan, B., & Gulliford, L. (2015). Learning and teaching virtuous gratitude. Oxford Review Of Education, 41(6), 766-781.

CHIH-CHE, L. (2015). IMPACT OF GRATITUDE ON RESOURCE DEVELOPMENT AND EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal, 43(3), 493-504.

Garland, E., Kiken, L., Faurot, K., Palsson, O., & Gaylord, S. (2017). Upward Spirals of Mindfulness and Reappraisal: Testing the Mindfulness-to-Meaning Theory with Autoregressive Latent Trajectory Modeling. Cognitive Therapy & Research, 41(3), 381-392.

Holland, J. R. (2007, October). The tongue of angels. LDS General Conference Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-tongue-of-angels?lang=eng

Holland, J. R. (2013, October). Like a broken vessel. LDS General Conference Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

Hunt, C. S. (2016). Getting to the heart of the matter: Discursive negotiations of emotions within literacy coaching interactions. Teaching And Teacher Education, 60331-343. doi:10.1016/j.tate.2016.09.004

Kerr, S., O'Donovan, A., & Pepping, C. (2015). Can Gratitude and Kindness Interventions Enhance Well-Being in a Clinical Sample?. Journal Of Happiness Studies, 16(1), 17-36.

Korb, A. P., & Siegel, D. J. (2015). The upward spiral : using neuroscience to reverse the course of depression, one small change at a time. Oakland, California : New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2015.

Larsen, D. L. (1976). Thoughts about thoughts. BYU Speeches. Retrieved from https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/dean-l-larsen_thoughts-thoughts/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ih8XYiiBjTE

McMaster, C. W. (1969) IRI “Kindness Begins with Me,” Children’s Songbook, 145.

Passmore, J., & Oades, L. G. (2016). Positive psychology techniques – gratitude. Coaching Psychologist, 12(1), 34-35.

Petrocchi, N., & Couyoumdjian, A. (2016). The impact of gratitude on depression and anxiety: the mediating role of criticizing, attacking, and reassuring the self. Self & Identity, 15(2), 191-205.

Pohl, C. D. (2012). Recovering kindness: an urgent virtue in a ruthless world. The Christian Century, 129(22), 10-11.

Ramsey, M. A., & Gentzler, A. L. (2015). An upward spiral: Bidirectional associations between positive affect and positive aspects of close relationships across the life span. Developmental Review, 3658-104. doi:10.1016/j.dr.2015.01.003

Renshaw, T. L., & Olinger Steeves, R. M. (2016). What good is gratitude in youth and schools? A systematic review and meta-analysis of correlates and intervention outcomes. Psychology In The Schools, 53(3), 286-305.

Rusk, R., Vella-Brodrick, D., & Waters, L. (2016). Gratitude or Gratefulness? A Conceptual Review and Proposal of the System of Appreciative Functioning. Journal Of Happiness Studies, 17(5), 2191-2212. doi:10.1007/s10902-015-9675-z

Singh, B., Salve, S., & Shejwal, B. R. (2017). Role of gratitude, personality, and psychological well-being in happiness among young adults. Indian Journal Of Health

SAMPLE 2: FAMILY LIFE COACHING

MINI WORKSHOP II: REORIENT

What are you avoiding?

What if tomorrow that thing, or circumstance, or person changed,
 for the better? And the issue or problem no longer exists?

What is the opposite?

How can you approach1 instead of avoid?
How can you achieve future positive outcomes?

What do you want?
No, not what you don't want.

What DO you want!

What can you do?

Wait a minute, I didn't ask what you can't do.
I asked what you can do!

Approach 1  goals bypass the pitfalls of avoidance 2 .
Focus on desires orients energy toward outcomes.

Could Peter walk on water?

Absolutely -
 even if it he only did it for a few steps!

And, Peter walked during the height of the storm.
"[H]e saw the wind boisterous ...."

From then on, Peter could say, "Yes, I can!"

And note, Jesus told him how to do it again.
 Matthew 14:22-33

Saint PeterAttempting to Walk on Water
François Boucher Cathédrale Saint-Louis (1766) Versailles

In October 2012, President Henry B Eyring, taught:

“The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible.  . . . but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time. . . . God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children."

“We remove the pavilion when we feel and pray, ‘Thy will be done’ and ‘in Thine own time.’ His time should be soon enough for us since we know that He wants only what is best.”

"The Lord’s delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience. Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises." (Where Is The Pavilion?, 2012)


1. Conoley, C. W., Plumb, E. W., Hawley, K. J., Spaventa-Vancil, K. Z., & Hernández, R. J. (2015). Integrating Positive Psychology Into Family Therapy: Positive Family TherapyΨ. Counseling Psychologist, 43(5), 703. doi:10.1177/0011000015575392 

2. More reading , resources, and other possibilities 

SAMPLE 1: FAMILY LIFE COACHING

MINI WORKSHOP I: Choices

1. Who is in your household now?

(Define your “family”.)

2. What specific desirable outcome for your family can you identify?

3. What are some ways you can track that outcome?
     I keep a journal where I write notes to myself.
     What are 5 ways to accomplish your outcome?

 (These options can be fact, or fiction).

4. Which option – only one – can you apply?

If none of the 5 can be applied, what else might you try?
Who else can provide new insights?

5. What strategy can help you apply an option?
      One helpful method is SMART Goals:

•        Specific (simple, sensible, significant).
•       Measurable (meaningful, motivating).
•       Achievable (agreed, attainable).
•        Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).
•        Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited,      
       timely, time-sensitive). 

* See also the MIT version

** Another workable pattern is the ADKAR change model.

Do you have another preference?

Please share it in “Comments” below

Elder Robert D. Hales, an apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints taught, “Use your agency to develop yourself personally. . . [by letting] the Spirit guide you. ...

 "Choose and act for yourself. Be motivated from within. Make a plan for your life. . . . Explore interests and skills. Work and become self-reliant. Set goals, overcome mistakes, gain experience, and finish what you begin. . . . Be sure to participate . . . enjoy wholesome fun.  . . .

"Above all, have faith in the Savior! Fear not! As we diligently live the gospel, we become strong in the Lord. . . . In the strength of the Lord we are able to stand against any philosophy or creed that denies the Savior and contradicts the great, eternal plan of happiness for all of God’s children.” Robert D Hales,  “Stand Strong in Holy Places,” April 2013